Emotionally, I'm still a child. That's hard to admit, but there’s so much evidence, its’ also hard to deny. I comfort myself on the plane by petting my stuffed animal. I have a candy bar stashed in case I "need it", I wrap myself in soft clothes like a baby and wear knit ski caps for the feeling of safety it gives my head, and deeper, my mind. I could drop all my comfort tricks, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be a good person at all if I took away my blankie... so many blankies. I've felt really lost since my dad died, 9 months ago. The year just flew by, and I have nothing to show for it besides a well of tears inside me, screaming to get out. Feels inappropriate to cry on a plane. Everyone else watches little TVs way too close to their faces. Sometimes I get sick trying to watch films on a screen that small, that close to my face, while moving. I wish I could put a bag over my head or crawl into the luggage compartment.
I wanted to have a nice friendly goodbye with my ex, and I almost achieved it. I thought we might just have one quick drink, and that was the plan, but as soon as we look each other in the eyes, we're smiling, and there's a strange sensation like no time has passed. We havent spoken in 3 months, but no one at the adorable outdoor cafe can tell. I get a great hug, we have a nice chat, we order multiple drinks, we make some excuse to go back to his place, both of us laughing. When we got to the apartment where we used to live together, it starts raining really hard and I pretend this is a reason for me not to walk back to where I'm staying (with other friends). The flavor was of old school romance. We both had a great time, got up at the crack of dawn and kissed goodbye. That would've been enough, but we wanted to see each other every night after that, just like when we first met. We both were nervous and excited to be close again, so of course we drank way too much and ending up fighting at the end of the next two nights.
Sunday used to be our day together: brunch, sex, naps, maybe watch some animae or sci-fi together. Rinse and repeat. I had given up the dream that it might happen again, but to my great surprise, it did. We fell back into comfortable couple patterns we used to love. At the end of the night, I held him as long as I could, but couldn't sleep, it was too warm. I wanted to go back to the drafty attic where I'm actually staying, to feel the Fall coming.I left a love letter on the table explaining why I left, and that I would love to see him one more time. He seemed really moved and texted me to thank me, after he read it.
Monday I spent all day packing my old room and getting bubble wrap for the paintings, etc. I found a wagon at Darius' house and used it to hand deliver the paintings I was able to get into the wagon. It was so hard. Exhausting. But I made a lot of progress without anyone else's help, and this reduced my stress. Plus I needed the exercise. When my lover gets home from work, he asks me to go to dinner at the place we used to celebrate our monthly anniversaries. It seemed symbolic, since we broke up on our anniversary, and never went to dinner that night. I felt like we were two Shaman, about to perform a healing ritual together. I get really excited. He's very sweet to me inside the apartment, we get dressed up like we used to, kissing in the hallway, saying "how do I look?" It was bittersweet, but I needed the sweetness. I'll take what I can get, after the year I've had.
He suggests a quick drink on the way to the restaurant at one of our favorite outdoor cafes, Why not. I'm glowing, I'm falling in love with him all over again. I'm not exactly sure what happened after that. Maybe there was a Demon in his drink, I don't know, by the time we get to the restaurant, he's in a terrible mood. He shifted into Personality #2 without me seeing it happen. When I sit down at the restaurant across from him, he's already gone. I mean, the Man that loves me, the Man I kissed in the hallway, has been replaced by... Something else. He won't look at me or smile at any of my jokes. I try to make him laugh, excited to finally have that anniversary dinner I never got. I was hoping to "make up for lost time", knowing thats not possible, but with both of our imaginations combined, sometimes it seems to be. I sit there like Robin Williams in Hook, hungry, not seeing the food, strainng my imagination to create beauty in this horrible situation. He was just mean. He embarassed me in front of the whole resaurant, I never ate. I was definitely planning on having desert, but I never even got a bite of the appetizer. By the time the appetizer came, he was repeating choice phrases like "go fuck yourself", shooting negativity into my face. He only looked at me to insult me. There was someone there behind his eyes, but it wasn't him. By sunset, I'm walking back to where I'm sleeping, hungry and crying. I cried myself to sleep, despite having other options, my second-to-last night in town. Truly one of the worst nights of my life.
You couldn’t pay me to eat dinner with that asshole again. Good Riddance.
